April 26th, 2021 – Marseille.
I don’t remember your name.
I do remember your face though, appearing at the blink of an eye. This is not a love letter, this is me putting all my strength in these words, trying to make sense of what happened to you – therefore, to me.
You created an us when you raped me. You bonded with me without my consent and for that I know you are cursed forever.
It is rough to write these words, but the moon helps me today. Full, deep and wild, like me, like my soul, like my body you raped like a savage, ignorant of sacred, beauty and love.
It will be six years next September. What have you become ? Do you still think about me ? Because I do – think about you, in flashes, in pain, in anger too.
It took an ocean of friendship and selflove for me to forgive you and I don’t regret walking this path of acceptance because it helped me understand the core of the violence you infused into me.
You have to know deep down that you’re a criminal, that you deserve to be judged and restrained from approaching women.
I am your victim, but I am no victim in the broader spectrum of my life.
You stole my innocence and I hope that my gaze will haunt to till you die. Raping a witch has consequences my dear rapist, it is no innocent act.
For the rest of my life, I will think of you when I fight against sexual violence, your silhouette and your eyes stand as motivation to scream and say out loud the truth of what that rape was : a revenge.
On me, in me, for the longest minutes, you took revenge over your past, your pain, your fears. You were never as emotional than when you raped me but this is exactly what I should not say, that rape is human, that rape, this energy of destruction in inherent to the human nature and not only for men. What happens when a man rapes a woman has almost nothing to do with sex. In regards to my experience, it has everything to do with the repressed and hidden emotional wounds we carry within ourselves. I can’t help but ask : what the fuck happened to you ? Who brainwashed you to the point you could believe it was okay to do what you did ?
You hurt me for life and I hold you responsible for that, in spite of the past, of the patriarchy. You should be held accountable for you actions as a human man. Sexism is a fact yes, patriarchy too, but you have a brain and you should know that raping is a crime.
That scar, that joyless feeling I was left with is a 100% your responsibility. People like you, rapists, harassers, aggressors, predators, murderers, are bound together to silent oath, you are damned souls tied to destiny of darkness.
Unlike you, I am a being of light, I was made to survive and be born again despite all the hate and all the violence.
I want to write here that even though I forgave you, it does not mean that I am free of anger towards you. What you did to my body, spirit and sexuality in unforgettable. It is an attempt to kill and as you should know, I almost died whilst you were raping me.
The words you said, your innocent look, the word “whore” out of you mouth are still poison in my veins. I will make art out of this, I will create poetry from this memory.
You should know too that you failed in annihilating me. My hope, my strength, my love and my friends saved me from despair. You are nothing but a dark spot in my life, a bump on my path of recovering in this life from all the violences of the past.
I was brought on this earth to tell some truths and important stories. Thanks to you know, I, as so many sisters do, am shedding a light I this fact : women who’ve been raped gather together twice the strength rapists like you have.
We, us, have superpowers. We are fighters and warriors and survivors.
We are capable of anything.
I don’t want to waste my ink for you, but I shall be precise in this endeavour and tell what lured me into your dangerous embrace : you said you were a feminist, you said you wanted to walk away from your strict religious upbringings, you said you admired strong women like me, you said you respected that I am queer : all lies.
You lied and I believed.
You lied and I dissociated.
You lied and almost ruined my life.
For the past five years, I’ve been growing despite the deep pain and confusion, mental health struggles and crisis, but above all, I kept on loving and believing that I am worthy of love and patience. This may not have been visible even for my closest friends, even in the moments where I wanted to die so bad, I never stopped hoping a better life for myself.
Today, on April 26th 2021, I am 27 years old, an adult queer woman, free and independent.
You did not destroy me but I hope that somehow, selfishly, that in that moment, raping me, you killed a part of yourself the same you killed a part of me.
I hope sincerely that you did not do it again to someone else but how could I know ?
Maybe you’re running free in the streets of Montreal. I didn’t go to the police because I was ashamed and thought no would believe me. The system is just as broken as you, you see.
Now, if I could, if I knew your name, I would press charges and confront you and distorted desire for domination.
Dear rapist, I do not wish you the best, I do not wish you anything. I want to think of you less and less and liberate myself from any kind of guilt and shame. This is all on you and I will be free.
With pride, grace and fierceness, I sign this letter with love for myself and all victims of rape.